As the city stared back, boasting its size and flaunting a skyline which until recently did not exist on Earth, Chad felt a superfluous tranquility about the beast. There was no doubt in his mind that it was alive. The complexity of the systems which operated within it and allowed it to function were already far in excess of most, if not all other forms of life. It breathed, ate and produced more waste than any before it. It grew at an almost terrifying rate spawning new settlements around its borders, which were then absorbed in time. As one of its cells, one of the tiny components which helped keep its lifeblood flowing, Chad could not imagine how such a being could ever fade or die. He knew it to be possible as history had illustrated this many times. Even this city may die, possibly form a form of cancer which worked its way from inside. Most cities already had districts which were rotting parts of its guts. It was also these areas which often contributed greatly to its soul. The stable, clean regions were probably the cause of their counterparts, both needed if the whole is to survive. Maybe it is this separation which can cause the city to finally tear itself apart. Maybe it just cannot survive for ever, as it is with other life.

“Are you okay?” said a voice from behind him.

Chad felt okay. He knew he ought not to, but he found that his control was as he had expected. He prided himself within himself with respect to his control. It was what he for some reason had striven for since a child. The influence of tales, told on the big screen, and writings of many authors had instilled the desire which lead to his current state of mind. He liked to be in control. Not of external forces, he had long accepted that they were only to be influenced and never controlled, but his internal self. As he gazed out still, through the thick glass window, he continued to wonder at the city. He tried to assess its control. From where did it stem? Its intelligence was not like his own. There was no single area which could be described to regulate all its activities, though local government or maybe the business centres could be contenders. Whether any emotion existed in the city as a whole was questionable, even more so the concept of it being able to control them.

“I’m sorry but there is no doubt.” said the voice again.

It was not that Chad felt he now had no emotion though he knew that he sometimes appeared somewhat cold to others. He certainly did not try to shut out emotion. There was a balance he had searched for. It lay where he could feel the joys and pain of everything life had to throw at him but also never let it overwhelm him. He believed he had found this place and it was what he now clung to almost as a religion. He turned to face the doctor who was looking up at him with more pain on his face than Chad felt within himself.

“One, maybe two months.” Chad said half questioningly, half as a statement. His voice was steady, casual, as if he had been reading the words out loud from a book. “Will there be much pain or discomfort?”

The doctor sighed. “It could be longer.” he said. “There will be no physical pain to warn you. In fact, it usually happens quite suddenly, with little or no warning. Again I am sorry.”

Chad had discovered less than two minutes ago that he did not have much time left in this world. He was coping well, in fact at the present time it hardly bothered him at all. He hoped it was through his control, but it could easily just be that he did not really understand or comprehend the situation. He had heard of others doing the same in similar circumstances. The real test of his control he realised would be how he would deal with the next few hours. Somewhere it had to give. While he was still in a stable state he decided that he might as well find out more about his health. It had occurred to him already that he now had an excuse to do what he liked to his body. He would be dead soon anyway so if he destroyed his liver through drink it would be of no consequence. In fact almost anything he did at all would be of no consequence.

“Is there anything I should not do, like drink?” he asked the doctor.

The doctor’s eyes squinted slightly and a hint of the sorrow left his face. “No. Even if you did react in any way to something, to be perfectly honest it would probably make little difference.”

Chad found himself actually smiling.

The smile soon started to wear a little thin and as Chad stood now, patiently at the bus stop, he felt the hard reality of the city about him. The tranquil image which had presented itself to him from the secure office in the clinic had also waned. From here it seemed easy for this city to cause hurt. It appeared to be trying hard from the air of may who passed by. Although busy, the ambient mood of the street was not one of cheer. It was more a subtle tenseness, as if everyone was hiding behind some invisible shield which somehow protected them from, something they feared. Chad knew he was just the same, before. Now there seemed little reason to fear. He felt now more comfortable standing between the noise of the passing cars and the possible crazies who walked the sidewalks than before he could remember.

The bus came to a gentle rest at the stop and Chad stepped through the opening doors, paid the fare and turned to find a seat. The task seemed easy. He had never before realised how much effort had previously been required to locate the best place to sit for what usually amounted to only a ten or twenty minute ride. It was the freeing from those semiconscious, often pointless, decisions which presented the world around him with a softer attitude from his perspective. It also meant that everybody else seemed so much in distress. He knew exactly what had changed in his mind. Going against his what used to be his whole stance to life, he now did not consider the long term effects of his actions. He knew he would not have to live with them. There was no reason to become embarrassed or worry about getting on the wrong, or right, side of his fellow travellers. In a few months, even at worst, it would no longer be his problem. He was already focusing purely upon the immediate. His actions now did not have to take into consideration any long term consequences. He realised that pain would now never be so bad as there was only a brief time in which it could exist for him.

The problem was those around him. His friends and relatives would hurt, long after his Earthly pains had ceased. They would hurt most as the point when he became free, as if his ability to suffer was being passed directly to them, and the transfer would start as soon as they learned his news.

Looking around the bus, Chad’s eyes met with a young woman’s. He felt the lack of impulse to look away. Why should he. She seemed no threat. She did the task for him by looking off to some other point. It was too quick. What could happen by holding that contact for at least a few seconds, possibly exchange a slight smile. Instead that protective aura forbid giving anything within the city to other unknown inhabitants. This was not the case everywhere on Earth. Even in the small town in his own country the atmosphere was easier.

Strange and strained as it was, Chad was going to miss all this city. He knew he was part of what he could see around him. He knew he worked well within it. And it was not fear which started to overwhelm him as he had expected but sadness. He could feel his eyes moistening, his cheeks gained a weight which caused robbed the corners of his mouth any ability to force a smile. The scene in the bus became blurry with the forming of tears. Chad did not feel ashamed, nor did he try in any way to conceal his feelings. He blinked and felt the drops of water roll gently down his face. His eyes met, again, the young woman’s and this time she held her gaze. She smiled, ever so gently, managing to convey her concern at his tears. It somehow gave Chad the will to return the gesture, not just with his mouth but through his eyes. They broke contact this time with no fear on either part.

“I knew that could not be so hard.” Chad muttered to himself. He knew he would never actually meet that woman again but it did not matter. Amongst the masses of the city that was time enough. Not to expect more, not to give less, why had he never realised this before.

It had now been two whole days since his latest meeting with a doctor. The hardest part was breaking the news to his closest relatives, which he had expected. Still, it did not help in the slightest. The disbelief he saw in their faces was distressing, but it was nothing compared to watching the expression turn to pain and despair. It was also then that Chad realised that it was very true that he held a lot less fear than those around him. At times he felt they should all stop being so soppy about the situation but he never dared to voice these thoughts. Somehow he knew it just would not work.

He did actually enjoy himself during his most recent afternoon. Due to his savings which he had managed to build up over his last few years he had quickly realised that there was no incentive to return to his job. The money he had would easily last a few short months providing him with a greater salary than he had ever before held. With no dependencies and no debt, it made perfect sense to leave with nothing. What was there to wait for. He even had the peace of mind of knowing that no-one would have to resolve his affairs after he was gone. He knew it was somehow very morbid, especially when one knows the time of their demise, but Chad had started to take note of the undertakers around. He planned to prearrange everything.

The all helped during his short day at work. That afternoon he had handed in his resignation, and as he had decided this the night before, felt no obligation to attempt to turn up on time. When he did walk through those door, as he had done for over a year, and entered the building in which he earned his living he wandered straight up towards his bosses office. Within minutes he had declared his intention to cease his relationship with the company and a few moments of puzzled silence filled the room. It was then that Chad realised that he was going to enjoy this. From his standing there was no chance of his mind being changed. He could just take the events as they happened.

“Why?” was the first question put to him. It was expected as his announcement was not what would have been anticipated by anyone he worked with. He had a good relationship with those around and had never before expressed any desire to leave. He had not had any desire to leave previously.

Chad answered carefully, as he was not about to reveal the truth. There seemed no reason to cause any upset in his department. He had decided to claim that a close relative in some distant land was very poorly instead, in fact he substituted this mystery person for his predicament and added a few years to their age. This was he would not have ot lie quite so much and it would be believable. He knew with situations so grave nobody would ever have reason to suspect. His work mates would probably discover the truth some day but it would be much easier for them to accept it if they had already half forgotten him. Only a few of his close friends would know the real situation.

The most complex situation he encountered was having to inform his other two house mates. He had to. There was no way to conceal the state of his health from them without running away. That was not an option he had considered for even a moment. He had waited until both were in their living room and settled down in front of that magical focus of attention. As usual it was not necessary for the television to be showing anything worth watching, but it was always easy to detach from thought and escape to a world in which someone else did it for you.

“I’ve got some bad news.” Chad announced at some random time, some random time in which he had managed to build up the courage. He revealed his ominous secret and felt the thick silence take hold of the space in the room. He regretted his approach as he said what he had to say. He knew that there must have been a more subtle way to broadcast his news. It had been too direct. In less than a twenty seconds he had declared his imminent death, and in such a tone that it was obvious he meant what he said. After an awkward while, Chad felt he should say something else. It was unfair to expect a response to what he had said. Surprisingly Lindsey spoke up before he had a chance.

“Are you sure.” she said. “I mean, have you had a second opinion?”

Chad felt caught out by this. For some reason he had not doubted the doctors words. He was sure that the doctor had told exactly what he believed. The possibility that he could have been wrong had never entered his mind. It did not ease his mind at all as he somehow knew that he already knew the truth.

“There is no doubt.” he responded. Although he did not directly answer the question he knew that would put to rest any speculation the others had. He also had decided that he would confirm the fact in the next few days, not for his own benefit as he had already accepted his short earthly fate, but so he could tell others with no question in his mind.

It took a few days, in which he had confirmed what he already knew, to bring his flatmates around to his way of thinking, at least partially. He did not want any sympathy, at least not too much. He had decided to follow his pursuit of indulging in everything and anyone he could in what time he had left. His flatmates agreed to help. This was the sympathy he wanted as opposed to the smothering of niceties he had half expected. He was unsure as to how they really felt about the situation but he hoped they were handling as well as they appeared.

“Are you sure you are handling this as well as you appear to be.” Lindsey asked him one evening as they were preparing to head out.

“I think so.” Chad said. “Just be ready if I suddenly loose it.”

Lindsey felt that Chad was somehow coping better that she felt she was. She doubted if she could be any help if Chad decided to become depressed. She wondered if Chad was just managing to conceal his fears. It certainly did not seem that way and she admired him tremendously. For now she was determined to go along with Chad’s desire to have fun. It was not hard. This was the fifth night in a row that Chad was heading out to hit the town. She accompanied him when she could but as she still had to work during the week it was a bit impractical to join in every night. Today was different as the weekend had rolled on and they were meeting up with other friends.

The club was as friendly as ever. It was a regular venue for this crowd. Chad was not holding back. He was getting involved with everything that was going on. It was noticeable to those with him that he was more comfortable and easy going than before. It was not a big difference, but he seemed very relaxed with himself. The way Chad was now unafraid to approach complete strangers and talk to them as if old friends was something Chad had never really done before.

“Have you got any other plans,” said Pete. “or do you plan to head out to bars and clubs every night?”

“Don’t know.” said Chad. “I just see what turn up. To be honest I’ve not really thought about it.”

“What about something you’ve never done before.”

“Like what.”

“I don’t know. I strip club.”

Chad laughed, and then though why not. He had never considered heading to a seedy joint before but what did he have to loose. his reputation was not something he cared too much about any more. “Do you know of any?” he asked.

Pete looked at him through the smoky air. “No.” He had not really expected Chad to seriously consider this, but looking into Chad’s eyes he could see that Chad was probably prepared to consider almost anything. “I’m sure it’s not to hard to find out though.

They both looked around the club from their seats near the bar. They both ad the same thing running thorough their minds. Was there anyone out there who could tell them what they wanted to know. They both saw individuals who they considered to be likely candidates, but neither had the courage to point out their choices to the other. Chad knew that his choices were based purely upon his preconceptions of ‘dodgy blokes’. Although he did not like to think he used stereotypes to form impressions of people, he realised that there was no way to disregard them completely. He also realised that there was still some sense of caution in him. He decided that it was due to his not wanting to offend others. He certainly felt more comfortable believing that.

“What are you two up to?” asked Lindsey as she came to sit with Chad and Mark.

“Nothing.” Mark said innocently. “Just taking in the scene.”

“And trying to figure out who in this club we could ask about strip joints in the area.” Chad said casually.

Mark swung his head around to see Lindsey’s reaction. He had not expected Chad to be quite that blatant, though after a seconds thought he knew he should have foreseen it. What he did not expect was what he heard next.

“Oh, well you’re in luck.” Lindsey replied as casually as Chad had asked. “I happen to know of a couple not far from here.”

Chad stared hard at her, with a smirk on his face. He could not picture Lindsey at one of those places. For a brief moment he saw the image of Lindsey as the focus of the sleazy audience’s attention. “Dare I ask how you know?”

Lindsey looked complacently around the scene, half laughing. She obviously could imagine what was running through Chad’s mind. “You can ask, but would you believe the answer I gave.” Her eyes flicked back to the two sitting next to her. Their expressions were most amusing. She wished she could preserve those faces. What she needed was a camera, but in its absence she decided to leave them ignorant. “Well you’ll just have to figure it out for yourselves.”

Chad and Mark continued to keep their attention on Lindsey in the hope for some enlightenment but it was soon apparent they were not going to be given any some of clue. They looked at each other trying to guess what the other really thought.

“So when do you want to go?” Lindsey asked. In less than an hour as they approached the entrance to another world, Lindsey had her answer.

For Chad the strip club was just the beginning. After that night, he realised that he had been very conservative. He had limited himself to just having fun as he had practiced in the past and almost forgot that he could explore complete unknowns. After less than two weeks he had visited places he would never before have dared. He even began to withhold his activities from his housemates, the first being his episode with three prostitutes. He had satisfied a number of deep desires on that occasion but somehow could not bring himself to reveal the encounter at first. When he did let it slip, through the help of a vast quantity of alcohol, he discovered that they were almost proud of him.

“I didn’t think you had it in you.” Mark said. “I’m sure I would never have the courage, even if I were in your place. I can’t deny..” He paused and looked across the room at Lindsey.

“Yes,” she said teasingly. “Can’t deny what, exactly.”

Mark found himself in a vaguely awkward situation. He was not sure how to answer. “Well, everybody fantasises don’t they.” he declared defiantly.

Chad felt he was almost lucky in many ways now. He was exploring his own fantasies as he was sure he would never have done at any time in his life had it not taken this turn. He was well aware there was a huge price, of a magnitude he knew he still tried not to comprehend. It imposed itself on him more regularly as days went by. The main problem with his current activities was that he naturally though forward to how to take the new discoveries he was experiencing and build on them in the future, or just to look forward to the next time. The pain came from knowing there would be few, if any, next times for anything. The times it was hardest was meeting the friends and relatives he did not get to see regularly. When ever he had to say goodbye, it stung him hard that it meant so much more than before. He found he always had to say goodbye properly, as expressions such as ‘See you soon’ were probably not appropriate. But still he never tried to deny to himself what was happening to him, and he was sure that it was only by doping this that he would be able to hold himself together.

Through the concern of his parents and close relatives, Chad had even tried to become as depressed as possible. It was not hard in their company as he just slipped into the general mood of those around him, though he still never quite felt as lost as his mother and father.

“It’s just so unfair.” His mother would say. “You are just too young. You’ve never even fallen in love, or been married, or had children.”

Chad was never sure whether this sort of talk was supposed to make him feel any better. It was true that he was not married, and he was reasonably sure that he had never really fallen in love with anyone, at least no-one who seemed to feel the same way about him. He guessed that it was more his parents getting what they felt out into the open to help them cope with their situation. It did affect him, and he managed to let a hopelessness touch him which was stronger than any he had felt before. But it somehow helped as after time, he would be left with a sense of calm and admittedly morbid peace. It also helped those around as they shared their misery.

The advantage of his situation with his family now was that they did not question anything he wished to do. The latest example of this was that Chad had always wanted to jump out of a plane and try parachuting. He remembered asking his mother when he was still a child many times if he could do it, but she always told him it was too dangerous. Even when he was older, though he knew he did not have to do everything his mother and father told him, their resistance held him back a little. It was just enough for him to never to have made the effort to organise a jump.

Now though, it was his mother who had reminded him of his childhood wish, and he found himself now standing by the side of a small aircraft preparing to take him into the air for his first, and probably last, freefall experience. It had been hard to find somewhere prepared to allow him to jump at such short notice, especially as Chad was only prepared to allow himself one instruction lesson beforehand. Even this group had only agreed once he had signed a few forms to relieve them on absolutely any liability whatsoever. The guy who had given him his short instruction was someone he had known years before. They had attended the same school together. Chad must have been about seventeen years old the last time he had seen him.

Chad watched as the figure from his not so distant past walked out of the club house towards him. The sound of the aircraft engine was screaming in his ears as the pilot made the final pre-flight checks.

“Jump in!” Roger yelled once within shouting distance. Chad climbed through the doorway in the side of the plane and Roger followed him in. As the door was slid shut, the noise of the engines died to a much nore acceptable level. The pilot checked to make sure they were ready in the back, and let the aircraft begin its slow roll towards the landing strip.

“Excited?” Roger asked.

“Yep.”

“Scared?”

“Nop.” Chad answered with perfect honesty. Somehow the risk involved with this venture seemed extremely small. Even at worst, it would take him to where he was expecting to soon go.

“Yea right.” Roger said. “That’s what they all say. I know better. I’ve jump many times now and every time there is a bit of fear. The first time was definitely the worst.”

Chad had no intention of explaining his situation, the last thing he wanted now was sympathy. “Okay, maybe a bit.” he lied.

“Knew it.” Roger said knowingly.

“I never would have guessed you as a skydiver when we were at school.” Chad said changing the subject.

Roger eased back, letting his memory drift back to those days. “Things change.” He said at last.

Chad watched Roger gazing out the window. “They sure do.” He muttered to himself as he too let his mind wander back to that past. It seemed very distant even though it all finished less than eight years before. They sat in silence as the plane gathered speed and soared up into the sky. Neither of the jumpers were actually thinking of their dramatic journey back down, they were lost in images past.

As they were in different years, these two never really hung out together much, but there was still much in common they could reminisce on. Mainly they systematically trashed their teachers, especially those who had created a reputation for themselves as ‘bastards’. Chad was amused at Rogers reference to almost every member of their schools staff as ‘bastards’. Most he agree with but it appeared that Roger had a severe dislike for all he could remember. Thinking back, Char recalled that Roger had a reputation of his own as a bit of a tear away. Never in any real big trouble but often on the sidelines when upsets happened.

“I remember your stunt with the girls underwear” Chard burst out as a particularly fond memory came flooding back. “You and that group of lads you used to go around with got the school going for quite a while”

“Yea!” Roger said grinning. “We all go away with it as well as we never returned the underwear and they never had any proof.”

“No one knew for ages who did it, but I remember us all grabbing any chance we had to lift the girls skirts that afternoon to see if they had found replacements knickers for the. To be honest I think that’s why no one was ever punished. The whole male population of that school was guilt that afternoon. I know they tried to tell us all off but it’s never the same when it’s aimed at a whole bunch of us.”

“In fact, I still have one pair of undies I stole, as a memento, nothing perverse I promise.” Roger said, with an innocent expression on his face.

Chad could hardly contain his amusement. It felt like it had just happened all over again. “Do you know who’s?” he asked.

“Oh yea!” Roger said smugly. “Sonia, you must remember her, in my year.”

“Do I, I used to have the biggest crush on her. I always wondered what happened to her. You haven’t seen her since you left school have you?”

Roger chuckled. “Why, would you go and ask her out. She might not even remember you.”

“Yea, I know but I couldn’t help asking. I must admit I would like to see her again, just to see if she has kept any of those good looks.” Chad gripped tighter to one of the rails in the aircraft he was holding onto instinctively as the plane bumped quite violently through some turbulence. He wasn’t use to flying in planes as small as this and he felt it being knocked around by the weather more so than the larger passenger ones. He had not thought of Sonia for quite some time, certainly not since he had learned of his illness, but it would be great to see her again.

“It’s a bit unsettled out there.” Roger said peering out of the small window he sat next to. “Are you really sure you want to do this now. It is kind of my duty to ensure people don’t jump when they really shouldn’t, and to be honest, I do think you shouldn’t.”

Chad looks directly at Roger. “I’ve already signed a complete disclaimer. If you steal my parachute and push me out the plane I don’t think you’re liable. I really, really want to do this and I really, really want to do it now.”

For a moment Roger just held the stare. “Okay, okay. It’s just we have to be overcautious. In this game it doesn’t pay for there to be any excuses. I know you don’t seem to care but it still wouldn’t look good on our records if you don't open you chute.” Roger grabbed Chad’s gaze again. “You do plan to open you chute?”

Chad laughed it off. “Of course I do.” It seemed to satisfy Roger who slipped back into his casual air.

“Good. We should be ready to go in a minute.” he said after glancing down out of the window.

Chad had not actually considered not opening his parachute but Roger had not placed the idea in his head. It would be dramatic and it would leave him going out on a high. Chad knew deep down that he could become scared as time went on. This way he would bypass all the fear and uncertainty which would doubtless come. It would not be fair though, especially to Roger. Still, this though would be with him as he drifted down toward Earth.

Roger clambered up toward the front of the plane and opened the door to the cockpit. Chad could not make out what was being said but he didn’t really care. A dilemma was churning through his head. Roger made his way back to Chad.

“You remember all we went through?” Roger asked to which Chad nodded. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll do just great.”

Roger slid the side of the plane open and Chad was hit by a rush of excitement as the reality of being what felt like miles up in the air, and ready to fall, came crashing to his senses. He stood slowly, keeping a strong grip on his handhold. Roger went around the back of him to make one last check of Chad’s parachute.

“Are you ready to go?” Roger shouted above the sound of the air rushing in, around and out of the cabin a high speed.

“Yess!” Chad shouted back. “Give me a nudge when you think I should jump!”

“By the way.” Roger shouted. “I know you will pull that chute open as I still keep in touch with Sonia, and she still looks great, and she’s still single. I give you her details at on the ground.”

Chad started to turn to face Roger but due to a rather forceful nudge, he found himself tumbling through nothingness. His mind want blank as he was overwhelmed by the sensation off falling. He was unsure if it were fear or sheer exhilaration which caused the flood of emotion to flow through him. For a while there was nothing is Chad thoughts except the immediate, the air rushing past him at considerable velocity. For a while the ground did not exist. His world did not exist. Reality as he knew it was lost. His illness, his family, his hope, all played no part in his mind. Even the thought of Sonia, which had been so at the front of his conscious, had vacated his being.

Very quickly Chad began to grasp his current reality, and it was beautiful. He managed to balance himself with his arms and legs splayed so that it felt as if he had some control over his fall. Below he could see the land mapped out before him. He tried to glance up to see if he could see Roger anywhere but refocused back downwards as he felt he was going to start tumbling. Roger soon fell into his field of vision, just a couple of meters in front. A thumbs up indicated that all seemed to be well. The thrill unfortunately seem to be over almost as soon as it began when Roger started to signal, reminding Chad that he ought to open his chute now. To his delight, Roger found that hanging under his chute and falling much more casually was almost as much fun as the intensity which had just finished. Slightly below he could see Roger under his parachute as they both sunk lower towards the ground. It wasn’t over but Chad knew this was well worth doing. As his mind picked up on the thoughts which had filled his head before the start of the fall, he remembered the possibility of not opening his chute. It had not occurred to him during his fall and he knew it would have been the wrong thing to do. For a start he would have missed out on this current part of the journey.

Landing turned out to be easy as he and Roger touched down at almost exactly the same time. As their parachutes crashed into a heap behind them, Roger turned to Chad with a satisfied expression.

“Great isn’t it.” he declared.

Chad found himself momentarily speechless, but the smile and excited nodding told Roger that he agreed.

“You did well. I was half expecting to have to help guide you down but you did great.”

“Thanks.” Chad said, still unable to think up more to say.

It did not take him too long to start using language fluently again, and as well as the running commentary of the jump itself, Chad had also continued other lines of conversation which had begun a couple of thousand feet above.

“Where does Sonia live then?” Chad asked. “And will it be me who has to tell her about your dirty secret.”

Roger looked back smugly. “She already knows. I told her ages ago, and even offered her her clothing back but she let me keep it for some reason.”

“Did you used to date her?” Chad asked amused.

Roger shook his head as he fumbled about trying to gather up his chute. “We are friends, though not as close as a couple of years ago. Haven’t actually met up wither her for a few months now.”

Chad watched, then tried to imitate Roger badly handling his chute which was bellowing slighty in the breeze. Roger started to tell of his times with Sonia and what they had gotten up to together. Chad half listened, and was unconcerned that Roger was so amused as his attempts to overpower his chute.

“I remember her being challenged to prove she naturally had red hair.” Roger said amongst his ramblings. “It didn’t take her long to convince them.”

Chad had somehow not recalled the fiery red head she had had at school. “So I guess you know now as well.”

“Knew from school. Remember the knickers!”

As they talked, memories of the feelings Chad had had for Sonia started to creep up. He felt a buzz he had not had for a while, like a little fire had been started deep in his soul. It was probably partly to do with the adrenalin still flooded through his system after the jump, but most was from him being taken right back to school, to being a child again, to having a different set of problems which mostly involved things like trying to tell which girls hair colour was natural. He remembered more vividly his feelings and hormone driven ambitions. He remembered his dreams, most of which had faded. This jump for example, and other things. He had always wanted to drive one of those single seat race cars around a track, but had never even tried karting. He had been very afraid of death then. It would mean that all these things he was going to do would not get done.

“We should all get together some time,” Roger said offering a stick of gum, “though not soon as I have given myself far too much to do recently, trying to start up my business for one, but sometime in the next six months, or year.”

Roger started helping Chad in his loosing battle against the gently bellowing white beast on the grass in front of them. Chad shoved the gum in his mouth thinking he wouldn’t be able make that meeting. He could feel the high he was on slipping, and fast. He wondered when he had forgotten all the dreams of his youth. He thought that his reasonably calm acceptance of his situation must be attributed to the fact that he had not seen himself somewhere that he wanted to be in future. He must have lost hope a long time ago. For the first time he started to feel real crushed and angry. The situation was going to finally overwhelm him.

He looked over at Roger who now had the parachute tamed.

“It’s okay.” Roger said. “You don’t have to tell me if your don’t want to.”

Chad had obviously missed something, and his confusion distracted him from his misery. “Eh, what did you say?” he said.

“I just asked what you were doing these days.” Roger said looking cautiously at Chad. “You okay?”

“Yea, my mind just drifted off there for a while. Must be the excitement overwhelming me.” Chad said.

Roger smiled and started to lead Chad off toward away from their landing spot as Chad started to tell what he would of his life. They talked casually while they finished up with Chad keeping his fears under control. As he said he would, Roger found Sonia’s number and handed it over to Chad as he departed.

“Where do you see yourself in the future?” Chad asked Lindsey later that night. “I don’t mean like you would get asked in a job interview.”

“I don’t really know.” said Lindsey cautiously. “Moving on, I guess. See what happens.” She kept her attention firmly on Chad, who’s attention seemed to be in the air a foot or two in front of him.

“I mean, what do you look forward to. Is there something which you expect to happen to you sometime, which you know won’t happen yet, but will, and is good?”

Lindsey wasn’t sure what Chad was asking exactly. “Children?” she said questioningly.

Chad looked at her. “I never really gave it that much thought personally. You mean Mark’s kids, or anyone’s.”

The thought it an odd question. “Oh, anyone’s.” she said, seeing if Chad would react.

“Mmm.” Chad said and looked back at the air.

Lindsey started to get worried. Chad laughs at the flippant sarcasm usually, but then Chad was not so usual any more. This was the first real time he had felt changed to her.

“Do you think that I am handling this whole dying thing well?” he asked.

“Better than I thought anyone could.”

“Exactly.” Chad said again focusing his attention back on Lindsey. “I should be pissed. I should be regretting all the shit I was going to do but won’t. I ‘ve lost all my dreams. Never held on to them like usual people.”

“You’re not a usual person. No one is. And if it makes you feel any better, you seem to be freaking out a bit now.”

A big smile hit Chad’s face. “Yes. Think you are right.” The smile fell again. “I’m freaking about not freaking though.”

“You’re still freaking, so it’s okay right.”

Half the smile came back.

“You could think up some dreams now.” Lindsey ventured.

Chad didn’t seem to hear her and Lindsey let the silence in the room hang. Only the sounds from passing activity outside made any impression. She had just started to notice the clocks gentle ticking when Chad broke the quiet.

“I did have dreams I guess. I just didn’t focus on them that much, I guess.”

Starts to get to Chad, kid memories. Wonders how he lost his dreams to make him care so little.